This is the story of a friend. His life as he shared over a cup of coffee and some deeply felt moments....I dedicate this to him.
I saw her coming into the cafeteria and she was beautiful as ever. Ever glowing and ever a smile on her face. Everything else had become blank for me. All I wanted to do was see her. Look at her and wish to be beside her. And suddenly she turned to look at me. She bid a bye to the friend she was talking to and she walked over. As her steps came closer to me, my heart beat raced. All she said was a hi and she sat to join me for breakfast. And I realized I had said a hi back. I did not know how I was reacting to her. But apparently something had saved my face and had automatically made me smile and wave back even when all my senses were out of the order.
Yet I had to force myself not to think of her like that. She was my friend. My good close friend and she trusted me like I was her friend. Yet I could not change this feeling I had for her. The one that wanted me to always look at her, the one that wanted me to be the one in her life. The one that wanted me to protect her from everything and the one that wanted to do everything to bring a smile on her face. All I wanted was for her to be happy.
I was drawn to her. Through my thoughts, my words, my actions and my breath. All I could was dream of her. Think of sharing a life, a day, a moment with her. All I wanted was just her and me. But I never had the courage to tell it to her.
That day never had to come. Because for some reason she had started to go away from me. Move away and distance herself. Why I did not know. I was in pain. Did she not know that she was putting me in grave pain? did she not know that when she distanced herself she actually was killing me? Could she not see it in my face?
Alas she could not. The face that had mastered the art of waving back every time she smiled, had actually become the master of what it showed. I could not show my pain. My mind would not let me. But I guess somewhere deep in my heart I did not want her to see my pain. I did not want to put her in pain.
Days became months and then a whole year. She had avoided me. Moved away from me. She was beside me and yet so far. I was in so much pain and no amount of medication would do me better but all I needed was a smile from her. A word. Something to tell me that we were as before. But I received nothing. Had she known that I was secretly harboring feelings for her. Was it not a secret anymore? Had I done anything to upset her? Was I not worthy of her? Not even her friendship.
The pain would not go away. Perhaps death would have been a better option. Would ending my life in this world take away this pain? Would it? I did not know. But I did not have the courage to close my soul to a world where I had lived in for so long. People who loved me were concerned. They saw me gazing into that empty sky. They heard me in pain and saw those drops fall off from my eyes every time someone spoke of love. A melody was no longer soothing. Every song that spoke of love was a dark reminder of what I was going through. The world was not helping and neither was she.
I could not go away from her. Partly because I was selfish and partly because I knew she needed me. The days that she avoided me, I found comfort in the thought that I was not good for her. Everyone asked me to move on but no one understood that I had nothing more to move on to. She was the perfect person. Just perfect.
The day came when she told me that she was getting engaged. And I knew that this was the time. The time had come for me to let go. She now would belong to someone else and it is not ethical for me to continue to water the plant that had grown into a tree. I started to let go.
It was that time that I noticed how much the world was trying to help me. When I did not want to help myself, the world was an enemy and now I had found support everywhere. I never let go of her hand as a friend when she was getting engaged to someone else. I knew she would need me one day. And I knew that I wanted to be there for her in every small way possible. I did everything I could.
The day of her marriage arrived and I ran around doing everything. Organizing her wedding in whatever way I could. Trying to cover the pain of seeing her with someone else with the thought that she did belong to someone else. I was happy because she was smiling. Perhaps he was the right one for her. Perhaps she had made a right choice. Then why did it still hurt? I could not fathom.
The days after that went in a battle. I no longer held onto her but I could not let go. I am trying to move on. Atleast that is what I tell myself so that I can convince myself that I am moving on. I know that one day I will. I have people who love me and who want the best for me. I try to do something all the time so that I don’t have to think about her. I pretend to be fine around her so that she can be fine with me.
Someday I will move on. I have the hope that things will get better. I am not optimistic but maybe as a miracle I would find love again. She is happy now. That is the comfort I have. As for me, only time can tell !!!.....
-D
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