DAWN, NOON & NIGHT

Dawn

I knew I was ruining my life. This wasn’t what it should have been. I wanted to change but where could I start. Everything was so wrong and so deeply rooted that changing it seemed impossible. 

I spent days and nights crying about it. Nothing else had mattered when I was with him. I had had the perfect life and I did not want anything else. But eventually he left. Destiny had other plans for him and while I thought I could handle it, I really couldnt. I was far too attached for me to be this far from him and it hurt. Hurt more than I could handle. Hurt more than I could comprehend. The pain took its course of action and what should have been mere physical distances between us became actual distances in our relationship. It only hurt me further. My world broke. It broke so gradually that I did not even realise that I was losing it all. By the end of it, I had lost whatever was mine. My heart, my soul and myself. 

The world was the same but it looked so different right after that. Nothing that was actually normal was normal. Everything looked different. Everything was painful. People laughing, friends meeting, families growing old together, people making plans, life moving on, nothing was happening. Everyone else was moving on while I felt I was stuck. Stuck at the same place that he left me in. Held back by strings tied to that one thing that once was mine. I never realised that it no longer existed.

But it did. For me. I held it close in my heart and wouldn’t let go because I know what I had with him was magical. I knew that this wasn’t something everyone could see and I had something really natural. I had us. I wouldn’t let go. Not now not ever.  The world may never understand but I dont need the world. I can build a world of my own where everyone knew me and everyone understood me. A world where I did not have to pretend to be alright, pretend to be normal. 

Days passed. Turned into dark months and even longer years. I hardly realised. My workplace kept me but I was invisible. My interactions with everyone went to almost nil. They were good. I just did not have the wish to be with anyone. And I did not want to continue not because talking to them reminded me of him but because no-one was as good as him. 

My friends tried to rein me back. They knew of the black world I had put myself into. A world where I was lost being myself, where I wouldn’t be disturbed where I wouldn’t be hurt. They tried to help me but I wasn’t willing. I stayed away. Passed on some occasional smiles. But they never gave up. They held onto the hope that I will return. 

After years of dark nights and darker days, I very slowly started finding comfort in the talks with my friends. I started enjoying their company and I realised that their naive positivity brought some rays of light into my dark rooms. I started looking forward to it. 

That is when I met Night. A lost soul and often broken, Night reminded me of the person I was. Perhaps it was that which brought us closer because in no time Night and I were good friends. Night was social and spoke to everyone who came in contact with her. So unlike me. Surprisingly, to myself, I began enjoying Night’s company and started meeting her more. We met outside our workspace and often shared our deep stories. I opened upto her like I hadn’t in a long time and that relieved me. My friends, as well as Night were slowly helping me break the walls of my dark world.

It was then that I met him. Noon. You could say just a next door guy but he had a charm to him that I felt comfortable with. I am not the kind of person who does that easily. But I eased upto him quite fast and he was warm to talk to. He made me laugh. Something that I hadn’t done in a long time. He wanted someone to tease and he found me as the right one. But instead of being frustrated at someone teasing me, I actually enjoyed the attention he was giving me. I laughed at his jokes of me. But in truth, it wasn’t just me who found him funny because everyone laughed. He really did have a good sense of humour. But it wasn’t just that. He was also a very caring and empathetic person. From helping strangers with their luggages, to mentoring the youngest kid on the block in his free time, he just was one perfect gentleman. On a trip that we all went to, he never left my side for one time during all the tough times. From having held my hand as support to making sure I never feel left out. 

Somehow somewhere I started to get the feeling that he was particularly focussed towards me and my needs. It did not seem usual to me. We spent all nights talking while the others were fast asleep. We walked plain meadows holding hands because he was concerned I would fall. He made food for me and just for me. Unwillingly I was falling for him beyond my control. Unaware that I was doing any of this, I was speaking for him, I was doing things for him. I knew I was falling for him but I had successfully kept it within myself. Or at least thats what I thought until that one day. 

It had been three days since I met Night again after a long time. She was deputed to another location for work. She did not like it there and I knew she missed me. I missed her too. We were excited because we would meet during this trip. Yet she wasn’t the same when I saw her this time. She was jovial like always but she seemed to snap at me. And I wasn’t sure what the problem was. Night’s behaviour towards me hurt but being with Noon made me forget all of it. I let it be. I knew she would come around. She always does. We had had that bond and I knew she would be ok. 

As days passed my longing for Noon grew. I kept wanting to talk to him, be with him, see him smile, hear his jokes, hold him, play with him and just spend all my time with him. I had fallen for him and fallen deep. The fact that my older memories of my hurt did not rise surprised me. Every day brought surprises as I kept seeing faces of myself which I thought were long gone. I just could not stop smiling. 

Things were at its beautiful best until one lunch Night threw her plate of food across and left to the room. I knew something was bothering her and I had thought she would come around. I chased her to the room and when I entered, I saw her packing. 

Night, is everything ok. Why did u leave that way?

I dont want to talk about this Dawn. Why dont you go back to your friends. 

My friends? Night, what is going on. You have been disturbed since the time you arrived on the trip. 

Oh so you did notice. Wow, thought I was invisible. But you know what you dont have to notice me anymore cos I am done and I am leaving the trip. 

What? What the hell is wrong with you Night. What do you mean you are leaving. 

What is wrong with me ? What is wrong with you Dawn? How can you not see that I…you know what forget it. 

Cmon Night. What is happening. Talk to me. 

At this point, Night lost it. 

Talk to you. Talk to you? That is exactly what I have been trying to do for so long and you just dont have the time because you have your eyes filled with love for that fucking moron. 

I was shocked. I thought I had concealed it well. Was it evident?

It is not true Night. It is nothing like that. 

By now she was done packing. 

Stop your fucking lies Dawn. You think I am an idiot to not see it. I have no problem with what you do with who. But I thought we were friends. I thought you would be there for me. How could you be so blind to me. I thought our bond was more than this. 

Yes our bond was stronger than this. Night was more important to me than Noon. How can she not know it.  I couldn’t get it. Night always comes around and understands. What is happening. 

You know what Dawn, just forget it and get back to your friends. I dont think you ever wanted me  in your life in the first place. 

Noon walked in as Night stomped out with her bag. 

What’s happening guys, he asked. 

His voice jolted me out of my shock at the turn of events and as I looked into Noon’s eyes, I knew I had to stop Night. I rushed out but I saw her taxi leave and her go farther than I could reach. 

Noon

What happened guys. I asked. 

Night just rushed out with her bags but before I could make sense of what was happening, I noticed Dawn and her shocked face. She needed me. As I went upto her, she suddenly looked into my eyes and rushed out. When I followed I noticed a taxi leave with Night in it. What was happening. 

I met Dawn only recently but was deeply struck by her simplicity from the time I was introduced to her. Over my interactions with her, her intellectuality only further evoked interest in me. Situations brought us face to face quite often and I found myself tease her and provoke her. Yet for all the embarrassing times I put her through, she only smiled and laughed at herself. A quality I rarely found in women. I was thoroughly impressed. When I knew she would be on the trip, I was sincerely glad and signed up for it. I really wanted to know more about her. I found myself having eased upto her fairly easily. And soon after I even noticed that she was comfortable talking to me. She wasn’t that social yet it did not seem like that when I spoke to her. We laughed and joked on for hours. She was an easy target among all of us but she took that in positive stride. Even before I knew it, I was beginning to enjoy her company. 

I had heard about Night. Everyone knew Night. Dawn was close to her and she would be joining us on the trip. Dawn mentioned she was social and that she made friends easily and so she and I wouldn’t have a problem getting along. I was sure. But when she arrived, Night wasn’t like what Dawn had mentioned. She had withdrawn and wasn’t speaking much and even the instances when she did, it seemed more like sarcasm and anger. A bad day perhaps. I dint know Night much and I decided I shouldn’t interfere. I did not. 

But I noticed Night’s behaviour to have affected Dawn. I often saw her try to talk to Night only to be met with coldness. I did not want Dawn to be sad. This only made me want to spend more time with her and cheer her up. And I did that. As days went and I continued to do that, I noticed how beautiful and composed she was. How she smiled from her heart and that reached her eyes. How she could go on talking non stop and yet be one of the most attentive listeners. How she beautifully blended with the crowd and yet had her own space. In days, I had fallen for Dawn. And took it upon me to do everything needed to make her feel special. 

But this day I couldn’t do much. I had no idea what had transpired between Night and Dawn and seeing Night leave broke Dawn. I hugged her as she sat down and cried. The rest of our friends joined. Dawn had no answer to why Night left in a hurry. None of us knew. We tried calling her but in vain. 

It took the rest of us some time to get control of the situation. Night is usually composed but had been off the whole trip. We all came to a conclusion that there must have been a pressing matter that Night couldn’t share and thatsy she left. The mood of the trip changed. 

It took us sometime and some constant pestering to convince Dawn that Night was ok. Dawn looked at me and when I insisted, Dawn came around. It wasn’t the same without Night but the trip continued till the end. There were times when I caught Dawn wondering what happened but she knew Night well enough. And I was sure that Night was in a much better place where she would have wanted to be. 

When we got back, Dawn tried to get in touch with Night but she was no where to be found.  Her family said she changed numbers and occasionally sends emails about her wellbeing. None of Dawn’s emails to Night were answered. Dawn needed a friend and I wanted to bring her back to the girl she was. 

I spent more time with Dawn. From tending to her needs to opening up with her about my family, I did all I could to make her feel better and I know one day I succeeded. Dawn and I had become inseparable. She became more than my life and I found the purpose of my life. I loved her and I know she loved me too. 

One fine morning as is the usual ritual of picking her up to work, I went to her place. As she opened the door, I went on my knees at the doorstep and asked

Dawn Suarez, will you marry me ?

Shocked, open eyes and a few seconds later, she said ‘Yes’

My prayers were answered. 

Night

This was unfair. This cannot be happening. This isn’t what I came for. 

The last few months were more than I could handle. Staying away and alone was not of any help. My depression took a new low. I couldn’t handle it.I was breaking down at a much faster rate than I could fix. I was losing my senses but I knew I had to hold onto something. My failed love story, colleagues siloing me, my boss molesting me at work, the worsening financial condition, my chronic health condition which never got better and my friends who started to ignore me became reasons for me to lose purpose in my life. I was making the wrong decisions and the consequences were devastating. I needed a break. I needed a friend. I needed Dawn. I was away but I knew I would soon be with her. All I needed was a friend and I knew Dawn would be there for me. She always was. That is how we became such thick friends in such a short time. 

But what was happening here was more than I could handle. Dawn had completely ignored me from the time we met. Dint she miss me ? Who is this new person. Maybe Dawn is just talking to him. She will soon have time for me. 

As days went, I noticed Dawn. Noon wasn’t just any friend to her. Dawn was falling for him. I was happy for her. I was happy that she was falling for him and so honestly that it shows in her eyes. She needed this after that trauma in her life. I must talk to her about this. 

With all the strength I could muster, I held onto the hope that Dawn will one day have the time for me. I thought I would get better but I only got worse because the one person I hoped to have by my side was also ignoring me. I was losing it and it was going beyond my control. I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was. 

I had to speak to Dawn. I couldn’t withhold it more than this. As I went to find her, I saw her and the others sitting under a tree. I called Dawn and she couldn’t hear me. I had to sit beside her. Hoping I can secretly pass the message that I really needed to talk. I asked the others to move and sat beside her. I looked at her and silently mouthed, we need to talk. She couldn’t make out and she asked what. Just as I was about to repeat, Noon came in from nowhere and sat in between us. Dawn laughed and moved away to give him more comfortable space between her and me. She then looked at him and asked him what took him so long. 

I lost it. I could take it no more. I stormed off to the room. I could no longer stay there and see this. I could no longer pretend. I had to get away from it. It was all a facade and a lie that people would be there for you. 

I must have been vocal because Dawn followed me to the room and we had an argument. She said she did not know why I was behaving that way. She had been blind to it all the time. That was the whole problem. I had to leave. I couldn’t stay there anymore. Yet there was this part of me telling me to just stop and talk to her because I finally had her alone and I could explain my behaviour. I knew she would understand if I said. Just as this thought entered my head, Noon walked in asking what happened. 

That was it. I never wanted to see them again. I left. 

I took the next flight out. Changed numbers and went to places that no one would have imagined. I traveled alone and made rudeness my friend. I was no longer social and I did not want anyone. I learnt that even the closest of the friends can break your heart. No one deserved a smile or good wishes. Everyone knew what made them happy. I was tired of making them happy. I was tired of believing that someone would be there for you. No one would. 

I stopped meeting people. I stopped laughing and eventually smiling. I was cold and rude all the time and i was becoming into a person i did not like but I was convinced that it was for my best. I was unwilling to go through that pain again. 

Occasionally Dawn would send emails. I never replied. I reasoned it out that I did not need a friend like her. In reality I thought she did not need a friend like me who depended on her so much. I should have been happy for her for having fallen in love. I should have been happy for her for moving on. I should have been there for her when she wanted to share her joy about Noon. But I was too much in pain within myself and the pain did not let me see the light of her happiness. She did not need a negative person. 

One fine day I got a mail with an invite to a wedding. Dawn weds Noon. So their love has progressed. I was hoping this day would come. I had decided. I was going to the wedding. I shopped, bought make up, booked my tickets, packed and was ready to witness what I had been contemplating for a long time. I stood at a corner. I was wearing my black clothes. A hijab and a burqua. I did not want to be identified. She entered. She looked beautiful as ever. Noon looked handsome and a perfect gentleman. The look on his eyes when he saw her and when she stood opposite to him made everything perfect. 

I wasn’t here to make up with her. I wished to remain invisible. I wanted to come to see if their love was worth giving up my friendship. As I walked out of the door, I smiled for the first time in many months as I was convinced it was.